Can't Refrain
by TNWanderer
Summary: SuzakuXgirl!Lelouch. Pre-R2&Pre-memory-wipe AU. A fic written for a request. Lelouch is left to Suzaku's will and Suzaku uses Refrain on her to make her speak the truth. READ the WARNINGS!


**Disclaimer: **I absolutely don't own this.

**AN:** Another CG meme entry from me. The idea isn't mine, it is based on a request. And the prompt was this:

"_So, I was disappointed on Suzaku when he didn't use that Refrain on care, so now I come asking..._

**evil!Suzaku x girl!Lelouch**

Kink: evil!Suzaku should be a kink of his own, but let us call it violence for the sake of the meme."

**WARNINGS: **Don't read this if you,

- don't like genderbender, AU plots, violence,

- don't want to see Refrain being used on a character,

- don't want to see drug use -since Refrain is a fictional drug-,

- don't want to see dubious consent -since Lelouch is on drugs-,

- don't like angst-tragedy; there is so much of them here that you could hate me,

- can't stomach OOC-ness on Suzaku's part. I like my Suzaku evil and batshit crazy, thank you very much.

So don't come to me whining about these things when I _warned _you before hand. Other than that, if you feel so inclined, please leave a review.

And keep in mind that the setting is Pre-memory wipe&Pre-R2, after Lelouch is captured. And I used some dialogues from the Anime episode num.17 for the interrogation scene.

-

**Can't Refrain... **

_(...Our Hearts From Breaking.)_

As Suzaku was walking through the white halls that let to his own living quarters, he was thinking about what the doctor said about the package he was carrying.

"_Only one shot of it is enough, Kururugi Kou. We just made some adjustments to the known formula of common Refrain to use it in interrogation rooms."_

He held the ready to use Refrain box securely. His foot steps echoing in the empty corridors; he was going to Zero's room. Zero, who was discarded just like the vile creature he was by the Emperor into his hands. Yet, the one behind that dark mask was not even _a man_; Zero was a woman and she was... his Lelouch. His stubborn, proud, kind, elegant Lelouch... Lelouch who cared for him like no other did, who loved her sister Nunally with everything she had, to whom Suzaku had trusted until the very end, who had been his one true friend... and even his...

All were gone now. Lelouch preferred the mask she constructed with lies and murders to him and all the ideals he held dear. She killed people for her own pathetic ends, she even killed Euphie, his kind, affectionate Lelouch... She deserted their past and destroyed their future... For what? To what end?

For her own selfish dreams -which didn't include him- that crumbled into ashes just because of her own selfishness again.

She was vile, she was the worst. She was the embodiment of sin. Even her existence was a mistake. If only he could have killed her on Kaminejima.

But he had brought her to the Emperor who declared that he had nothing to say to his own daughter and gave her to Suzaku to do as he wished with her until the time the Emperor called for her presence. Suzaku was informed for what purpose the call would be, and he didn't want to lose his chance to question Lelouch before her memories would be wiped away by the Emperor's geass. She had to answer for everything she destroyed. Suzaku wanted a payback, at least a little bit of it. He had the right to demand.

He went into the main living area and ordered his two servants to leave him alone until they were called again. As the servants fled from their stormy master, he advanced further into the rooms until he stopped before a white, steel door with a small window of bullet proof glass on it.

He punched in the security code and inserted the key card into the lock and the heavy frigid steel gave way to him. As soon as he went inside, the door locked down with a cold hiss of sliding metals.

The room was white, it had no windows or any other openings whatsoever. A single lamp was providing an eerily pale illumination which didn't reach to every corner of the sterile room. The room was bare. There was not even a chair or a bed for its prisoner. Only a few must haves of a prison cell occupied the far dark end of the room, namely, a toilet and a washbasin. It looked so desolate, so forsaken that it was hard to picture a princess was residing in it, even if she was a cast-away one. But this young woman who was hunched in a corner among heavy shackles on her tiny wrists and pale ankles was no longer someone even worthy of the simple, cheap everyday necessities of life. She was Zero, with her left eye covered with white bandages, who was regarding Suzaku with cold disdain, full of remorseless pride. She seemed even more paler in her white prison uniform, sitting on the bare cold tiles of the white floor. It was sickening for Suzaku to look at her.

"For what reason do I have the honor of having the presence of a Knight of Rounds in my humble cell?" she murmured as she lifted her head from her arms.

Suzaku's eyes narrowed down. Lelouch was degrading him by reminding him how he sold his friend for being promoted to the most elite status of all the Brittanian army.

"You still have the guts to utter nonsense and look at me in the eye, Lelouch?.." He asked bitterly.

"Oh my," she chuckled. "Look, who is talking... Our brave knight in his white armor..." she tilted her head and her black tresses revealed an amused violet orb.

"...who calls the kettle black." Her cynically amused facade quickly turning into raw anger.

"I don't have anything to say to you. So, you are dismissed, Kururugi Kou."

He could tell that Lelouch was satisfied to see the cold anger and humiliation that spread on his face upon being treated just like a common soldier by a Royalty. Suzaku willed away the rage that trembled in his arms and fists as he answered with the same tone of sarcasm.

"Yet, I have a few things to ask you, _Princess_."

Lelouch's humorless chuckle made him seethe.

"It has been a long time since you last called me _princess_, Kururugi Kou."

"Shut up, Zero!" The command was uttered with such a hard, emotionless face that Lelouch stopped, taken aback. But she refused to cower like a little girl from the threat Suzaku's mere existence presented. She straightened her back and her face turned just as equally challenging and emotionless.

"You don't expect me to get frightened and tremble before you, do you?"

"No, because we both know who is the one that is more capable of mindless violence and murder among us. I can understand that after causing and seeing all the massacre you did, nothing can frighten you."

"It is an honor to hear it from a man who had killed his own father in cold blood when he was a mere boy, and left his people be treated like scum by the Brittanians..."

Suzaku cringed despite himself, his distaste and disgust were apparent on his steely face and ice cold demeanor.

"I guess shooting one's own sister doesn't count...since you did it behind a mask."

Ah, Euphemia... Her sacrifice was Lelouch's to mourn until the end of her life.

"My affairs interest only me, not a blinded puppet of a Brittanian soldier." She spat with her volatile, commanding tone.

"Says the Jezebel..." answered Suzaku relishing in seeing the uncontrolled hurt that flicked in Lelouch's single eye.

"And I assume that you are one of those dogs who wants a piece of her flesh when she falls?"

Suzaku growled at the back of his throat. Their verbal fight was going out of hand. They were clashing wills to see who would break first under the harshness of their words. Lelouch had her iron will and Suzaku had the strong need to show her that she had nothing left anymore, no hope, no future, no so-called dreams to achieve. Words were tossed around with the raw intend to hurt, to degrade, and to humiliate. They were frustrated with themselves and with the way things turned out. So, in this desolate prison room, all they could hold onto was their rage and hatred. And both were bent on using their leverage until their grip could hold them there no more.

"This is not the first time I am called a dog." said Suzaku slowly, when he overcame the pain in his chest inflicted by the words.

"Yet, here I have something for you, which will make you wish you were even a lower life form than a dog,_ Princess_..."

Lelouch's visible eye widened when she saw the contents of the small box Suzaku was holding before him.

"R-refrain..." she murmured with a fear she couldn't hide.

Suzaku eerily smiled as he got rid of his blue cape, he didn't want it to restrict his movements. He took out the syringe and started to prepare the shot.

"There is nothing to be afraid of, Zero. I shall have you tell me everything. When this starts to invade your blood, you'll soon forget your will and answer my questions."

"You bastard!" yelled Lelouch, terrified beyond reason of being stripped of her free will and being vulnerable here before Suzaku.

"Don't you know that this drug is sold by the Brittanians to the Japanese? Don't you see that you have also become what you accuse me of being?"

"Oh, the irony..." murmured Suzaku as he approached Lelouch with a calmness on the border of insanity which was more frightening than his anger.

"I am aware of that. But you know what they say, purge the evil with evil."

As soon as Suzaku fell on his one knee to grasp one of Lelouch's arms, Lelouch launched forward to punch him in the face, with a handful of chains in her fist.

Suzaku didn't expect it and her fist landed on his left cheek, chains breaking the soft skin of his lips and even clashing with his jaw and teeth. Suzaku fell backwards, Refrain syringe slipping from his hand.

Lelouch didn't wait, she went for the fallen syringe to break the vial containing the golden liquid, but Suzaku punched her hard in the chest. She was thrown backwards, air leaving her lungs in a painful rush. Her head crushed to the hard wall with a crack and she went limp for a moment.

When her vision swam to normal, she saw that Suzaku was wiping away the blood traveling down to his chin with murder written in his eyes. The damnable syringe was in his hand again and this time he attacked with no remorse.

Lelouch was screaming profanities as she struggled with all she had. Suzaku tried to get a grip on her neck, meanwhile tearing away her prison uniform from neck to shoulder, bearing her skin from her long black tresses and cloth.

When he finally found purchase, he pressed the needle harshly into the defenseless skin and shot the Refrain into her system.

After a small scream Lelouch went rigid, with her visible eye widened beyond belief, breath and struggle leaving her frail body calmly. One tear drop slipped from her violet eye, full of hurt and betrayal.

Suzaku watched her go limp in his arms, shackled wrists loosely hanging on her either side, a few drops of blood sluggishly traveling from her prickled neck down to her partially naked chest. Finally when her head lolled backwards like a broken doll's, Suzaku laid her on the bare floor and got up. He remembered the doctor's words again.

"_When it spreads in the blood system of the subject completely, this special shot first induces a temporary paralysis on the whole body."_

He watched her struggle to breathe as her numb lungs fought against the drug. There was no remorse in his face, his cold green eyes regarded her fallen form with an indifference that left no room for sympathy for an old friend. He got rid of his white jacket and black gloves as a means of keeping himself busy whilst he waited for Lelouch to come around from her paralysis.

"_A few minutes later, the paralysis leaves its place to slow reaction time in the muscles and strength loss. Yet, meanwhile, it keeps all of the brain functions intact."_

Lelouch tried to raise her hand to her eye. Something was blocking her view and she wanted to get rid of it to see with both of her eyes. A small startled gasp slipped from her lips as she realized that she could not make her arm move.

"Why?..." she managed to utter, trying all her might to move. She couldn't focus properly with her single eye and surprise was quickly turning into panic.

"Help... Someone..."

Suddenly there was movement beside her and her head swam as it lolled when somebody seemingly put her body into a sitting position against a cold surface. She struggled to understand what was happening with little panicked cries and unintelligible protests, her visible eye shut tightly on instinct.

Someone was removing the bandages that blocked her vision and when she managed to look up she saw an all too familiar face.

"Su-Suzaku..."

Suzaku's face looked as if it was carved on a stone. Oh... She remembered.

"What... what is happening to me?" Lelouch asked brokenly as she regarded him with uncertainty and fear.

"You are under the effect of Refrain, Zero. Do you remember why you are here, why you are like this?"

Suzaku's cold voice and distant eyes promised pain. She tried to get away, because yes, she remembered why she was in this situation, but she couldn't move. She couldn't understand the chemical fear and panic carousing through her body. She thought about nodding but the action came too late and made her vision swam.

"Now, Zero I want you to answer me." murmured Suzaku as he held her nearly limp body sit upright by holding her from her shoulders.

He was looking at the discolored left eye; its pupil was no where to be seen, the weird pink geass mark shining in the recesses of the iris. The other eye was dilated beyond recognition both due to the drug's effect and the apparent fear shining all over it.

"What...Suzaku..."

"Just answer me!" Yelled Suzaku, he didn't feel up to dealing with her drug induced stupor. Seeing her cower with trembling lips, he tried to stay calm.

"Why did you become Zero?"

Lelouch knew there was something wrong. She shouldn't answer the question. He used Refrain? So it had to be the effect of the drug that made her feel on edge, made her want to tell everything Suzaku asked. But it was wrong... Nobody should learn Zero's secrets. Nobody could understand.

"_Unlike the common Refrain and other known hallucinogens, this formula does not let the subject to get relaxed and oblivious of the things around them."_

"Speak!" Suzaku shook her shoulders and she felt her head hit the cold wall. Why did it hurt so much?

"Brittania... To destroy Brittania!" she whispered hoarsely.

Something in her was telling her not to fear, there was nothing to fear, that Suzaku wouldn't hurt her. But Refrain was making her afraid, she couldn't move, it was hard to breathe, oh god, it was hard to look at Suzaku's face. So hard to feel her body ignoring her commands to flee, her plea to curl up, her wish to escape...

"So you sacrificed all those people for just that fickle ambition of yours?" Suzaku was aware that his grip must be painful for Lelouch, he could feel her shivering under his hands. But pain was good, fear was even better, and anger was the sole thing reigning over his reason now.

"Hurts..." cringed Lelouch, she was breaking. Suzaku's hands were breaking her.

"Did you use your geass on Euphie?"

"Y-yes."

"Why?!"

She hesitated. So much rage, so much power... Euphie? Yes, she killed her sister, didn't she? Oh, how she cried for her... How she detested herself after what she did to sweet Euphie accidentally. And to end her misery...

"Talk, Zero! Answer me!"

"To... To make the Japanese people rise... If her plan succeeded... the Special Administrative Area of Japan would be the fall of Black Knights..."

Suzaku slapped her, so hard that her face burned and her head hit the wall again. She tasted blood in her mouth.

"For that reason...For that reason you made her massacre the people there and then killed her? You ruined her name and honor for that reason, Zero?!"

She wailed in agony. It hurt so much that her mind reeled with pain. Why, why the pain was increasing in waves but not subsiding?

"_In fact, Refrain decreases the margin of pain perception drastically."_

"S- suza..Suzaku..."

"Just shut up!" Suzaku was crying. "You are not human... To you, everyone was simply pawns for your ambitions!"

"No!"

"Do you think I could believe you? After all you did to the people around you, all the ones that you fooled, that you turned to your will... You, Zero... Your existence is a mistake!"

Lelouch was trying to get away. Her lax arms were pressed against his chest in a pathetic attempt to get away from Suzaku. Her lip was bleeding and a small bruise was forming on the corner of her mouth just like his. Her hair was disheveled and all around the place. She was trembling in her half torn white shirt, her face was the picture of utter anguish and mindless fear... She was sobbing quietly as her eyes were regarding his madness in pain.

Yet as she struggled weakly against him, Suzaku's mind somehow distinguished the building feeling of arousal. After a second's shock upon his discovery, he realized that he was actually getting turned on by the sight Lelouch presented before him. The way her eyes looked at him with utter terror, the way her body trembled in his relentless, ruthless grip... Was he getting drunk on the feeling of exerting power on Zero, or having a sickening pleasure from abusing a drugged, defenseless Lelouch who still held his heart in her hands after she betrayed everything that Suzaku called 'we'..

He was... He had no time for this... He had to question Zero... had to will this feeling away...

"You casted a 'Live on' geass on me... Why?"

"To save myself." she answered.

"Why did you save me when they framed me for Prince Clovis' murder?"

"To... gain Japanese people's sympathy..."

"Why did you save the Student Council's members from the hotel hijack incident?"

"To use them for Black Knight's debut..."

Suzaku was grinding his teeth. He twisted her left arm behind her painfully and made the space between them lessen. Was Lelouch this much of a heartless witch? Had he never understood the real Lelouch until now?

"Are you telling the truth, Zero? Are you telling me the truth?!"

"Y-yes.. This..T-his is the truth..." stammered Lelouch. Was Suzaku going to kill her now? Was he going to hurt her again?

This woman... That he could have easily laid his life at her feet if she had asked...That he could worship every minute he breathed would she let him to...was just an illusion of lies. As he pushed her back a final time and sat before her shaking form, he could feel that something was already dead inside him, too.

Lelouch wouldn't be remembering any of this... Lelouch wouldn't remember what pain and destruction she caused to them... Lelouch would turn back to her simple happy life soon in such an unfair way, leaving him behind in his own despair and lost heart. A heart that nothing could compensate for... She would forget, not because of the drug, but because the Emperor wanted to erase all her memories. She would get away again, his beautiful Lelouch, ignorant of the blood stains on her pale, long hands.

She was looking somewhere on the floor in a terrified state as if waiting for her execution. Her trembling arms were hugging herself, fingers clenching and unclenching uncontrollably. One of her hands was trying to cover her nakedness over her shoulder. She was oh so defenseless, so unlike the Lelouch and Zero he knew. Vulnerable, broken like a tarnished angel...

In a sick corner of his mind Suzaku was aware that he made all these to his Lelouch, and he was not remorseful. He realized the feeling of arousal that made his head spin, the raw need to keep on hurting her just to satisfy his injured soul, to have the gut clenching pleasure of making her feel the remorse.

Was he this much sick in the core? Was he this much of a bastard to know that he would enjoy every moment of it, so much so that he was shaking even with the mere thought of having her under... forcing himself upon...

No, he shouldn't finish that train of thought.

Lelouch blinked a couple of times. She turned her gaze to Suzaku who was just sitting in front of her, a hand holding his head in deep thought.

"Suzaku?" she whispered looking at him as if she had seen him for the first time.

"Suzaku, why are we...?" she didn't finish her question. There was a new glint in her eyes, a foreign one, devoid of fear but full of incomprehension and surprise.

"What.. did happen...?" She mumbled.

"What happened to your face?"

Suzaku couldn't hide the surprise that invaded his features as Lelouch slowly, with difficulty, reached for him, and hesitatingly her finger tips traced his swollen lip and bruised skin.

"Must be painful..." She observed, all the previous tragedy seemingly forgotten.

"_Though we are 90__ percent sure that the subject will answer any questions asked truthfully, some subjects are reported of demonstrating unforeseen reactions within 10 to 20 minutes, such as reverting back to a specific time in the past and remembering only the selected memories beyond that time period." _

"We should call Sayako... to treat the wound..." Lelouch said as she cupped the side of Suzaku's face, concern and affection written in her eyes, her chains clink clanking on the tiled floor.

Suzaku felt mesmerized. This Lelouch was... She was... This had to be a mirage. Lelouch was treading her shaky fingers on the side of his face, through his wavy locks in such a selfless, innocent manner that this could not be real. Ignorant of the state her body was in, she was trying to tend to him with her kindness and innocent affections.

Suzaku's mind was reeling, he couldn't help but rest his own hand on hers and bring the pale digits to his lips to kiss them. There was no way for him to ignore the growing need to touch, to taste that gnawed at his heart.

What would be a compensation for his broken soul, for his lost heart, for the betrayal he felt, for the anger and hatred he nursed in his chest?

As he watched the surprised look on Lelouch's face he understood. Lelouch would be the compensation. She wouldn't remember anything, right? She would just forget everything... Anything he could rip away from Lelouch now, would be his forever... So...

He crawled towards her slowly as she backed away a little with uncertainty. He wrapped his arms around her, his face close to the bared skin of her shoulder, he whispered.

"Zero did unforgivable things..." Lelouch stiffened, Suzaku's breath licking her cool skin.

Suzaku nuzzled his face on the side of her ivory neck and breathed in her scent.

"Zero killed thousands... She killed Euphie... She used me...Cursed me..."

"I... I didn't..." Lelouch was trembling. She felt Suzaku's lips on her skin and she gasped. The feeling was both pleasant and caused alarm bells ring in her drug laced mind. Suzaku's lips went up to her ear and sucked on the skin there. She whimpered, closing her eyes.

Suzaku just couldn't get enough of her. The need burning in his veins told him to be merciless and ruthless and just take her right then. But he enjoyed listening to her small gasps and whimpers, feeling the way her weak body tremble so close to him, liked to watch the reactions he caused on her. His lips devoured the bruised skin that his slap left behind. She was trying to turn her head, fear back in her eyes. There was a faint blush on her cheeks, telling him that she enjoyed this, too, even though she tried to get away.

"Suzaku... Suzaku, what are you...?"

"Just enjoy it while you still can..." answered Suzaku and silenced her with his lips. The kiss was sloppy, as if she was never kissed by anyone before. His hands were slowly ripping off the white shirt to expose more of her skin. Her wide open terrified eyes told him that she was aware of Suzaku's intentions now. He became forceful as he tried to get a taste of her mouth. She didn't relent and Suzaku broke the kiss.

"Suzaku, stop!" she managed breathlessly as her torn shirt left her bosom fully exposed. Her arms tried to cover her small breasts from Suzaku's hungry eyes, a red blush of embarrassment spreading across her cheeks.

Suzaku forced her on her back and pried away her arms as he loomed over her frail form. Lelouch was panicking. But, so be it... He didn't care. She was presenting such an angelic sight to him with her midnight hair spread all over the white floor, her pale skin waiting for him to be tasted; it was beyond his weakened will power to stop himself now. Because she wouldn't remember...None of it... And the idea was killing Suzaku inside.

He leaned in on one of his arms, searching her eyes.

"No one should be this beautiful when they have such an ugly soul inside..." He stopped her protests with another kiss. Her mouth was already open, so he tried to taste it as much as he could. It was sweet, though she didn't answer, though she tried to get away, it was sweet. He let go of her wrists and his hands started to map out her body.

She was not well endowed but not too skinny, either. She was just his Lelouch. Her skin unmarred and velvety under his rough hands. Her small breasts were round and firm to the touch. Her lean stomach was quivering lightly as his fingers traveled down. Her hands were clammy with sweat as she tried to push him away, the muscles in his bare arms jumping under her fingers. The clinking noise of the shackles was accompanying the thuds of their wild heart beats... She was a broken divinity unaware of why she had fallen. And would be unaware for the rest of her life. This was not fair.

When he stopped the one sided kiss, his hands ripped away the weak fabric of the white pants, practically shredding it in to pieces. Lelouch was screaming now in horror. Her mind couldn't comprehend why Suzaku was acting like this, why he was being so forceful... Why he was accusing her with those foul claims...

"Suzaku! Please stop, Suzaku! Don't!"

Suzaku was somewhere, where reason and common sense could no longer reach him. He leaned his weight between her long pale legs and dived in again to further taste her sweetness.

He was licking her neck slowly, sensually panting on her skin, whispering accusations.

"No one should look this innocent when they are the vilest thing on this earth!"

One of his hands wounded itself in her long hair, bending her neck to access more of the unguarded skin. She arched her back when his mouth traveled down to one of her nipples. He nipped and licked at it until his tongue felt raw. He was slowly trusting against her hips, certain that she could feel his hardness there.

Lelouch was overwhelmed with the feelings and emotions her body was going through. Suzaku's hands felt so good, so burningly hot; his movements were urgent but he was not trying to hurt her. It was as if he was just trying to humiliate her by showing what her body was capable of feeling even though he verbally abused her.

"You are the worst, Zero... You are the ugliest thing I have ever seen."

"Suzaku... Don't.. Please, don't call me that!"

He listened to her sobs as he continued to pleasure her. She was delicious, her pleas, small moans, soft sobs, her shaking body, her despair were delicious. As he returned the same attention to the other small breast and pink nipple, his hand went down between her legs. She was warm and slick. Her surprised gasp and arching back were telling him that he was caressing the right place with his deft fingers as she squirmed under him to get away, tears of humiliation and embarrassment falling from her violet eyes.

She couldn't stop moaning. She couldn't get away from the scalding pleasure ripping through her lax body. Why was Suzaku doing this to her?

"Why are you... Why are you making me feel like this?"

Suzaku didn't answer. He just regarded her with cold distain and indifference as he freed himself from his tight pants and grabbed her hips.

Lelouch was panting in pleasure that was forced on her body. She tried to pry away the hands holding her in place, but her limbs were doing everything too late with such a pathetic amount of strength that made her heart sink.

Suzaku slided into her warmness slowly, carefully; at the back of his mind, he was still holding back the urge to just hurt her by slamming in. But she gasped in pain as she bit her lip on the foreign feeling, realizing that something was torn inside her.

Suzaku waited, amazed at his own will that kept him from ravishing her slick tightness with full force. He caressed her pale tights and leaned in to kiss and suck on her collar bone.

Lelouch's breath left her in a trembling rush as Suzaku started to move. Painful... It was painful... Her groin was ablaze with the sensation. She didn't know that the Refrain in her veins was making her feel like this. The small amount of pain caused by the penetration seemed to escalate with Suzaku's every thrust. She was pleading unintelligibly for him to stop, that it hurt. But Suzaku was too far gone to stop himself even though he would have really wanted to.

He held her so close to to himself that it was hard to breathe for the both of them. He wanted to feel her sweaty skin under his, so he quickly got rid of the top of his knight's uniform. The friction between now their naked bodies was mind bending. Without a reason, or for a reason he didn't want to acknowledge, one of his hands went between their bodies again, fingers found the small nub of nerves, caressing it carefully to stop Lelouch's pleas that became painful to listen.

Lelouch's glassy eyes held his for a moment and, to cover the reason why his heart skipped a beat upon seeing the expression she had, he murmured harshly.

"You are a murderer, Zero... Yet you are shameless enough to enjoy this!" He made his point by thrusting harshly into her, as his fingers roamed between her velvet folds. Lelouch arched her back like a bow, crushed between the cold floor and Suzaku's burning body. Refrain was mixing her perception of pain with pleasure. The unbearable pain was turning into unbearable pleasure. And pleasure hurt in its own right just like pain turned into shivers of satisfaction.

It was too much... She couldn't keep quiet, couldn't will away her sobs. Suzaku's name was like a mantra on her lips. Her mind was shutting down as she tried to hold on to Suzaku's strong shoulders to get a grip on reality. But everything was slipping away.

Suzaku couldn't believe himself. Couldn't believe how he felt as he watched Lelouch's pleasure play across her features. He was in love with this witch... His heart and body yearned for this murderer... He found her as the most beautiful being on earth despite, he also believed that she was the ugliest... He wanted to hurt her as much as she did to him... He wanted to embrace her just as much as he wanted to bury her with his own hands... This was so wrong, they were so wrong. Then, why did he feel so good? Why did Lelouch feel so wonderfully right in his arms?

He felt her twitch around himself as he lapped on her lips; she was close. And her sweet voice moaning his name was bringing him close, too...

Finally her body arched against his chest in blissful abandon and she felt her orgasm ripping through her mulled senses. The sight of her pleasure made him come, too... His head felt empty as white bolts of pleasure lifted his senses up.

Everything seemed to stand still for a short while.

When he returned to himself, he slowly slided out of her and crawled backwards to rest his trembling back against the wall which was not illuminated properly by the single lamp.

She laid there breathless. Not understanding what she had gone through as she felt liquids sliding out of her body, down her inner tights.

Suzaku felt sickness slowly rising as the afterglow subsided and left its place to emptiness. He had no strength to get up and leave the cell, to leave Lelouch in her own misery.

The Refrain would still be in effect for a long time, he knew, he knew that he should go. But something kept him there rooted against that dark end of the wall, cloths scattered around, Refrain syringe and the left over second shot gleaming under the pale illumination. He couldn't leave.

As he sat there, head between his hands, Lelouch got up shakily. Refrain made her movements sloppy and slow but she managed to crawl backwards towards her side of the wall. She sat there under the lamp's light, completely naked, shackled, tarnished, ignorant of what she used to be and what she came to be. She left a trail of blood, mixed with semen, in her wake.

Suzaku understood with growing sickness that he had taken her first time.

"Oh, Nunally..." Lelouch smiled upon an unseen sister. Now she was completely under Refrain's hallucinative effect, unaware of her nakedness.

"I thought I lost you, Nunally..." Suzaku watched her caress the head of her imaginary sister. Lelouch started to talk non stop, with an affection in her voice she reserved just for her sister.

"Nunally... Something bad... happened to your Nee-sama."she said hanging her head, hands clasping each other.

"Suzaku came... Yes, he came to see me, Nunally..." She stopped and looked around, but apparently she was unaware of Suzaku's presence in the dim corner of the room. Her shoulders started to shake.

"Suzaku was... Oh, Nunally don't ask..." She looked up at her imaginary Nunally with hurt written all over her face. But suddenly she turned her head away as if in shame and started crying.

"Suzaku hurt me, Nunally... He said horrible things to me... He asked questions... He asked questions to Zero, but not to Lelouch..."

She tried to hide herself behind hear arms and hands like a small child.

"Zero's answers made him mad, but he didn't ask them to Lelouch." She was sobbing violently.

"Nunally,... you know that I did it all for you, don't you? I tried to build a world where you could be happy, Nunally... I didn't mean to hurt others... I had to sacrifice so many, deceit so many... But all I did was for your sake..."

Suzaku was trembling too as he watched Lelouch, his nails digging into his own arms.

"I didn't want to kill Euphie... She... it was an accident... She looked at me at the wrong moment, I didn't know _it_ became permanent then... I wouldn't want her do something like that, would I? Ne, Nunally, you believe me, don't you?"

Lelouch stopped talking as she listened to the imaginary Nunally's reply. She shook her head, damp hair spilling around her.

"I saved them because they are my friends, right? They had nothing to do the with the war, they were innocent, they are my friends..."

She tried to wipe away her tears but they came back full force upon her next remark.

"No... He didn't believe me... Suzaku hit me... Told me that I was vile... He hates me so much, Nunally... He doesn't love me... I saved him because he is dear to me. I told him to live because he was all I had besides you, Nunally..."

She was screaming now, rocking back and forth as she hugged herself.

"Because I love him... I wanted him to live because I love him... But he hates me... Hates me so much that he hurt me with his touches..."

Suzaku bit down on his fist as tears streamed down his eyes. His mind didn't even register the blood and pain as his soul was crushed with what Lelouch was saying to herself.

Lelouch loved him? Lelouch loved him? His Lelouch...

She stopped all of a sudden and looked up at the empty space with a bewildered look in her eyes.

"But you won't leave me, ne, Nunally? I am all alone here... We are all alone again, just like the time they left us... Just like..." One of her hands went to her lips as she bit on her two fingers in misery.

"We are all alone, Nunally... Nobody wants us, nobody cares for us... I only have you, Nunally... You are all I have... Even Suzaku left me... Don't go! Please..."

Her arm shot forward hopelessly as if to catch her sister. Lelouch was in such a desperation that words were meager to describe it. Suzaku was close to throwing up, he was banging his head against the wall he leaned.

Lelouch tried to smile. "I... I will sing you a lullaby, Nunally, please stay and listen, OK? Just like the old days..."

And she started to sing a broken song, words and melody forgotten partially. She stopped somewhere along the lines, trying to smile apologetically.

"I... I seem to have forgotten it..." She was practically gnawing on her fingers in an attempt to remember, so that she could keep the imaginary Nunally by her side.

"But,... but I will sing you another one..." She whispered, voice full of vain hope. "Just, just don't go, OK? Don't leave me like this..."

She started to murmur another equally heart breaking song, watching the emptiness with flowing tears for a while.

And she stopped again, voice dying down, giving up all hope. Head bowed, fingers tracing her own tear drops upon the cold tile floor.

"Nunally?" She asked, her voice so lost.

"Nunally, it is so cold here, Nunally..." She was curling in on herself.

"Nunally... Don't leave me like Suzaku did... Please... Please... Just, please... Nunally..."

Suzaku got up from his place and picked up a few things as he wobbled towards Lelouch. He covered her with his blue cape and hugged her from behind, resting himself against the wall. His eyes empty, he made her lean on his chest and started to stroke her head and black tresses, murmuring sweet nothings into her ear as bitter sobs wracked his body.

In his hand, he held the Refrain syringe. Loaded with the second shot vial, he pressed it to his own neck whispering hoarsely as he held her tight.

"I am here, Lelouch... Your Suzaku is here... Though I don't know if I deserve to be by your side any longer."

He swallowed around his broken heart harshly.

"And... I love you, too, Lelouch..."

And he shot the Refrain through his veins; his immediate paralysis letting him manage to inject only half of the vial's content.

"_As you can see... This cheap, common golden liquid destroys the hold of the reality that makes the subject refrain themselves from reaching to their more pleasant memories and pasts. In fact, what it destroys is the will to refrain one's self from the sweet but empty illusions that they desperately search for. That's why we Brittanians named it so. It was ... such a spot on name, don't you agree, too, Kururugi Kou?"_

**Fin.**

Review and tell me how much you love me or want to kill me XD

**After Notes for Clarifying Some Points for Anonreviewer:**

Since a reviewer told me that they don't understand some things about Refrain's effects and why Lulu acts like that in the final scenes, I feel obliged to make some clarifications. Since the reviews are anonymous, I don't have a reply link to personally contact the reviewer, so I am doing this here.

_"If, in this fic, Refrain has the properties of a truth serum, rather than inducing hallucinations about past memories, then why exactly is Lelouch still able to lie to Suzaku?"_

Refrain's effects are still not clarified completely in the canon. All we know that, it is some kind of a drug that is used as an halluginogen. Yet, in this fiction, through the italicised speech of the unknown doctor, I stated that it is altered into a truth serum. If you pay attention to what the doctor says, they are only 90 percent sure of Refrain producing its desired effects and, it can cause the unwanted effect of seeing hallucinations from the past on some subjects within 10 to 20 minutes. That's why, after a time Lulu starts to see Nunally.

As for how she could continue to lie to Suzaku if Refrain is a truth serum... Realise Suzaku's speech pattern. Suzaku asks the questions to Zero, not to Lelouch. So, Lelouch tells him Zero's reasons. She is not essentially lying to Suzaku, she is telling him Zero's reasons. Even in that anime episode where they face each other, Lelouch answers Suzaku's questions from Zero's reasoning, not Lelouch's. In the fic, she tells that Suzaku didn't ask them to Lelouch. Maybe this seperate perception of personalities on Lulu's part could be attributed to the drugs effect, or Lelouch's need to be seen not as Zero but as Lelouch by Suzaku.

_"The only thing you've explicitly changed about Lelouch is changing him into a her. "_

For the life of me, I **can't **understand how this is qualified as a defect. The prompter gave the choice to me to choose between Lelouch, Kallen and Fem!Lelouch. So I chose Fem!Lelouch.

I think, writing a female Lelouch who acts like the Canon maleLelouch, shows my efford to keep her in character as much as I can. What is wrong with Lelouch being a girl whose only difference from the Canon Lelouch is having a vagina and boobs, I don't understand.

_"Yet she is acting as though she deliberately used the Geass on Euphemia, among other things."_

I am amazed. Let's look at what Lelouch said:

"I didn't want to kill Euphie... She... it was an accident... She looked at me at the wrong moment, I didn't know _it_ became permanent then... I wouldn't want her do something like that, would I?"

And during the interrogation she thinks: "Oh, how she cried for her... How she detested herself after what she did to sweet Euphie accidentally. And to end her misery..."

This is Lelouch's truth. But if you are talking about Zero's reason, I agree that it seems like you said. So I changed this line

"If she lived..." into "If her plan succeeded..."

I am not sure if what I said here did some clarifications for the Anonreviewer, I don't even know if they will see this, either. But their words -which only touched to the defects they saw in the work as if it were a complete failure- hurt me.

Forgive me for being thus partial on my work. Maybe I am exaggerating... But, well...


End file.
